This rant / pouring has been a long time in the process and could go any number of many directions. My experiences recently with the individuals I happen to be working with of course is what sends this over the edge.
Individually they each are wonderful people. Like myself they have strengths, weaknesses, and do things that the people around them do not understand- that is life though... that is people.
This isn't an attempt at over analysis... Honestly I am seeking some form of release. An expulsion of this feeling that I must be, even though I joke about it, from another planet. No, I don't believe I'm from another planet but sometimes I certainly do feel that way.
The supervisor at the last place I worked at was the type of guy that among many odd things thought that burping, farting and over blown displays of "masculinity" were acceptable behavior. It is difficult to describe the ridiculously low levels that he could take macho but it was such that obviously his attempts at displaying self confidence; the degree which he would take it and the way he tried to show his level of comfort implied how grossly uncomfortable with himself that he was.
There's more than one like that at the current place that I work.
Am I wrong for not understanding why it is necessary for a conversation about homosexuality to come up at least once... guaranteed... every single day? I key in on it because unless I am talking to one of my friends that happens to be gay, sexual preference and alternative lifestyles rarely if ever enter my thought process. The only reason it enters my thought process then is because that normally is their topic of choice.
See, I don't get it... not just that topic, but if I am the only one that ever sees how these actions people take, most usually to publicly proclaim their strengths, often do nothing more than show their weakness.
By watching these people I oddly begin to question myself and how I think because I do not occupy my mind with sports... I don't occupy my mind with the goings on of so and so... I normally do my best to change my actions when I notice that they are the cause of a repeated occurrence of discomfort... after I begin questioning myself, and I do something like write it out like I just have, I can't help but think even moreso about how lame these people are and how important it is for me to get busy on the shit I need to do.
I know my current state of existence is a product of conditioning. Not better and not worse of course... but overall a product of the choices I've seen available and have taken, the choices I see in front of me that I have to choose to get to... and the general idea of the destination that I want to arrive at. I believe that what it takes completely excludes those behaviors... those often times self defeating behaviors taken in the name of fun that for me simply has never resulted as so.
I recently went to lunch with a female coworker... she has this ridiculously busy social life and often communicates as though any one who doesn't want that has something wrong with them. We were discussing it, I admitted that there was no way I could do it... that I simply could not be that active.
I explained that my current social life was essentially the result of a self imposed psychological experiment. That I used to be overly active and through a course of events was forced to realize how it was negatively impacting my ability to maintain awareness of myself... of what I was about. I was so involved with everyone and everything that somehow I lost touch with me.
She seemed to be taken aback but I truly believe in some really fucked up way she had no choice but to think for a moment. Not that I was trying to get her to think as I was really just trying to share but the brutal honesty in sharing something like that with someone... I don't know, I know I couldn't help but... particularly if I always found myself in constant drama like that which caused me to open my eyes.
This rant really doesn't go anywhere but the affirmation that I should simply accept it.. accept others, honestly try to. Maintain my vision, weigh incoming variables and influences... and be the person that I would want to know. Be the person that I need to be... become the person and create the life that I desire.
It all gets so fucking complicated though... so damned confusing and difficult to stomach at times.