mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer
beeooll

wheee

I'm not near as intelligent as I should be to do some of the shit I try to pull off. Mebe if I were, I wouldn't try. Mebe it's to my advantage that I'm not? No clue- Where did I leave that big can of FTS spray???

Things are going well just buried deep... I keep noticing oddly that I'm the only one with the shovel... and still digging

I've been working more on the cycles proggy. Intramonth/year calculations and working on base cycle computation for that. I'm stuck semisorta just waiting for the bullheaded persistence to pay off.

This morning on the way to work I had the twisted thought of "how I could leave the research behind so it doesn't die with me." The thought process went parallel to if I were reincarnated so I wouldn't have to go through the shit I've gone through to get to this point... then I remembered that I don't believe in reincarnation... at least not in the sense of ego based consciousness becoming another human being. The stream continued to all of the possible books out there that might have previously been left by me (if I were to believe in such a thing) that I just haven't read... and how likely I tried to leave myself a note already (from a previous life) and I just haven't noticed it. The thought ended though when I looked over at the car next to me and the guy driving was trying to get something out of his teeth by picking and checking in the rear view mirror... I suddenly realized that everyone else was just going to work and quite likely so should I.

I tried writing it all down two years ago, what I see... what happens, etc. For some reason it came out sounding more like the ramblings of a madman moreso than step by step directions. I wonder why. ;-)

I've been particularly existential lately... almost like aware of my mortality. I do that though every time I make progress. The thoughts about "if I were to get in a fatal accident," blah blah blah... sparked only by the idea that finally I'm making progress.

When ya get down to it... when it's over it's over. I'm really cool with that in every possible way. When I make progress though I can't ever help but not wonder how far I can milk that gravy train before it runs over me. I mean... who knows what might be; what's to come. My curiosity is overwhelming... so is my anticipation... and weirdly my indifference.

A long road ahead... that I think continues forever.

The past two trades have been profitable but that doesn't default to happy about them. I could have done a HELL of a lot better. It's not like the woulda coulda shoulda... it's more like I FUCKING KNEW BETTER type of done better. I knew what was happening. I knew what to do... I just was sloppy.

I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
HALF.
ASSED!

ok ok... live and learn. (yeah I'm talking to myself.) It's just annoying to give up ground to what might be... holding it too long in the name of "hope" while facing conflicting evidence and having intuition proven correctly. Fucking duh already. Modify modify modify.

If I stop and think of it... how many times have I been correct analyzing?
Hovering around 80-90%...
How often am I correct while hoping?
0, Big goose egg, NADA

Now which thought flutter are you going to listen to?
Exactly!

I stayed up too late last weekend. Speaking of modify- I really need to get a relatively regular amount of sleep.
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