mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer

Really down about shit in general. It seems like there is a pattern to the madness and it drives me nuts. I get shown the world for only to be set back to where I started plus a couple of steps. This is the way it's gone with the trading. I'm net ahead but not by much. I still have a while to get back to goal #1.

Part of me wants to see what it's like to not be fucking with it all for a while- to just go to work, come home, and have that the only thing on my mind. Knowing myself the way I do though that would be the ticket to nothing but a very deep depression. Practically the only reason I am ever able to not be depressed is by keeping something that is as close to unattainable in front of my face to focus my attention on... just like the carrot in front of the horse. Out away too far is discouraging and too close is dangerous as I'd trip on myself getting that laaassssst stretch. I apparently just tripped and have to dust myself off- again. At least I have the opportunity to refine it more.

Somewhat unrelated to the current emotional trough is a physical down too. I actually left work early today because I was fucking ill. I came home, fell asleep and slept for 3hrs. I feel really odd by that whole waking up in dark as falling asleep in light type deal but I do feel a bit better... still though, wish I coulda slept straight through till tomorrow.

I have been extremely critical of the recent events surrounding the tragedy. I've had an opportunity to sort my thoughts a bit on that and have come to an interim conclusion. To me I have trouble remembering that just because someone else doesn't experience something the way I do, doesn't mean it's incorrect, it's just different whether it be them or me. I know I am not the only one that way as everyone I come in contact with displays that in varying degrees (some much more extreme than others). My point in mentioning this though is how impressed I am so far by how we have thankfully, at least to the present, have approached this diplomatically. I feared deeply (mostly because of living in TX with so many people yelling "bomb them" while having no clue of who "them" is) that a strong arm decision - over reaction - would be made and madness ensue. Freezing terrorist assets? BRILLIANT! Bombing tents? Not so brilliant. etc. I still though cannot get my disbelief of bin Laden involvement out of my head... but then again I should probably consume my thoughts to other, closer, more pending issues that I know something about. Particularly since all I have to do is maintain at the moment.
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