mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer

random miscellaneous flow of garble

I know that what happens next will be based upon a series of decisions. At the moment I've been so lost in effort that I have no clue what my immediate options are. It's been a really shitty fucking set of weeks these past few and the overall outcome that seemed feasible earlier has become closer to fantasy than reality. That really burns.

I look at my skills, I look at my abilities, I take a gander at the things I've accomplished the past few years and I can't help but wonder:

1. What do I have to show for it?
2. I'm still alive?
3. What can I do to create some form of pleasure during those moments that I have no choice but to exist on the material plane?

I'll admit, when I take a look at the material aspects of my life I have never been satisfied. There have been times that I didn't do everything to avoid balancing my checkbook but even then I was empty. After that period I thankfully found a slice of reality to this all... but it took emotional amputation to achieve it.

I feel limited. I refuse to accept limits. Intellectually I have proven to myself that I can move beyond and attain anything my imagination can toss together. Physically and emotionally I remain uncomfortable and awkward. Again those details are products of the choices I have made.

Last night I pointed the question to myself, "What if anything would you go back and change for a better now." I honestly would change none of it... but I did remember when I took a turn toward a different direction.

My sophomore year of high school - yeah, quite a while back. Roughly two weeks before school started there was a lunar eclipse. Everyone in my circle of friends at the time was to get together (roughly 20 people) at a park outside of town to watch it.

I had decided not to go out for football that season as I had the previous two because early the previous season as a freshman I had a shoulder dislocation during a game. That injury made me question if that activity, if I could have pain like that or worse, what was so redeeming about doing it to make those risks. My answer to myself repeatedly was nothing.

The night of the eclipse everyone was discussing the coming season like it was the most important, most intriguing, completely mysterious slice of the universe. Me of course having decided not to play found myself having absolutely nothing in common with everyone I had been friends with for all of my growing up. From that night I progressively grew away from them all.

During the previous year, that's when bUUbaaA and I became friends. We had always known each other growing up, our mothers went to school together, and I actually have a picture of our grandmothers together when they were in their late teens so apparently they were acquainted as well. After the night of the eclipse and football epiphany I progressively began hanging out more with him and the three other guys he dealt with mostly.

The level of popularity taken on that step I am sure is an issue but is beyond the scope of this transcription of thought. I'll note though that I did not ever sense a change from outside, although that may be due to being relatively oblivious to it. From early on when social status became part of the whole realities of a teenager I was always part of the "most popular" group by nature so I never really thought about it.

I learned a lot from that group of five counting me. Much of what I discovered accelerated my catapulted move toward distancing myself.

Then quite a few years later Ellis came into the picture and I discovered, quite bluntly, my mind. As maynard sais, a little thing called separation occurs between body and mind. But would I change any of it? Not a chance in hell.

The problem with all of this though is, and not blaming friends, changing, or travels to the spirit world in the least as 1989 to 1996 was filled with one personally traumatic experience after another, that somewhere in all of it I have lost perspective emotionally. When it comes time to stand up, get passionate, and wave a flag because that's all I can do to help, instead of doing it, I wonder why everyone is compelled to do something like that.

I can't accept anything at face value any more. Instead of closing my eyes in prayer to pray to a being called God that so many people all over the planet in so many different versions of faith see as a centralized consciousness, I can't help but feel the God symbolism flow through me maintaining the system of which our physical reality is based. At the atomic level, at the elemental level, at the molecular level, and to what we see as represented by time and spacial relationships. To say that "entity" really cares about anything other than maintaining a platform for anything and everything to happen gives more importance on what happens in that grid than the grid and glue itself.

My point in bringing that up though is not anything other than for illustration of the process. I'm not really griping about my reaction to attempt to objectify everything as seriously I gave so much to have it. I wanted it. I sought it. I sacrificed for it. But did I really have to loose touch with humanity?

And that's how I feel sometimes. Like humanity is here * and somewhere over ^ there is me... yeah. But never together. I can't get close to people and it drives me up the wall. I used to be so fucking expressive, I used to feel with all of my soul, and so often I was looked at like I just came from Mars because of it. Now, I interact and I have people come near and now I'm looked at like I'm from Mars because I cannot feel a bond. It's not intentional and it's not anyone's fault but past that it remains an enigma.

That's why I laugh so hard when people profess to knowing me. I can't help but stand at "You can't know me, I don't know me and I've spent quite a few "get to know you" sessions with me so you cannot possibly know me through sound bites and snippets." No, not ever articulated but added to my thoughts. Not hostile or with anger either - just a sensation.

So the question morphs into, "What are you looking for."

I think the answer is ultimately Emotional Intimacy. The idealistic feeling that all worry can be abandoned that the people around you can hear absolutely everything that would ever enter your mind and heart, not try to use it against you or use it to build themselves up by looking down on it, and still be there again when it's time for all to share. The type of interaction I observed as a child while watching my parents. The flow between people that maybe is never actually attainable unless viewed through the eyes of a child.

If that's the case, since I need something that doesn't seem truly possible to have, with it being intangible anyway, would changing perspective back in this regard to "eyes of a child" be an appropriate solution? I don't know if I'm ready for that.
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