mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer
beeooll

Today is one of those that I alternate between questioning myself and contained fits of rage over things outside of my control (everything is outside of my control with the exception of containing the rage)

Of the most interesting questions popping up is how never in my life have I ever been violent. Self destructive yeah, passive agressive yes a bit, but never physically violent. I've been in fights and all but never one that I ever started.. or for that matter lost.

Today I would most definitely find joy in breaking something. Something large... say, I dunno. A printer, a monitor, a desk... I think today I could actually channel the energy enough to pick up a desk and throw it. But I won't. I'll sit here and type about it and think about it and smile.

I guess in it's own special way, the denial of acting out raw emotion is breaking something big. Breaking the flow precompletion. That sounds like something good to go with.

I'll sit here and type about it and smile... and break each thought of putting my fist through the wall as a substitute for actually doing it.

Fascinating.
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