mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer

Catharsis While Cleaning the Commode

I have been seeking my why's so when I discover my how's, it will be easier to remind myself the reason(s) I need to bust ass.

Throughout middle, high school, and really college for that matter, I only did enough to get by. The world's biggest slacker. I still am... and I'm fighting it.

In general, I couldn't find a reason to put any effort into all of it. Obviously I should have worked harder as without question I could have done better when I chose to do otherwise.

The thing is though, I always rationalized that when it came time start making money, that was when it was time for me to kick it in gear. Oddly, absolutely nothing to do with money or really anything that it buys. That is, other than peace of mind.

For what it's worth, sometime in the past year, well... along the way it's evident in my writing how only recently I woke up to the fact that it's the time I have always promised myself that I would give it my all.

I remember in the fourth grade learning the term "renaissance man." The concept of achieving not in just one but in many fields. Not about the achievement but the ability to be versatile and not stuck in doing just one thing all of the time. I will never forget thinking how much I wanted to be one. That really was my first obsession, becoming everything. I still believe I can do it, I've just learned that it's impossible to do all at once.

So what's driving me? Insanity is a good chunk of it. I also think that it has a lot to do with promising myself for so long and finally having absolutely no reasonable excuse not to attempt to pay my debt made to myself as a child. To someday be more.

Maybe that is a good why.
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