mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer

I'm just now noticing how much effort I have been putting in to simple happiness. It's been a full time job that 50% of the time is rewarded... and 50% of the time seems futile. We're taught that emotions are emotions and we should simply allow them to be... or at least I was. Often- that's enough... to simply allow to feel. There are variations of that though... I wish I could expand on that idea but somehow I don't have a clue how.

I'm just seeing myself now feeling. For so long I either denied my emotions because most often to feel meant for me to hurt. I'm experiencing painful joy... yeah, trippy. Joy and appreciation without the ability to fully act upon it... the painful part.

I don't get it... I'm much more emotional than I've ever allowed myself to believe. I'm discovering the choices within those emotions though... not necessarily the choices of whether to ignore- but which aspects to hold on to... to explore... which aspects to acknowledge and let drift off. It's a balancing act that I feel like I've only begun to recognize... nowhere near understanding.

At the risk of sounding overly self important- the depth of my personality is really tripping me out. I'm positive though that I'm not the only one ever to see themselves as overly complex... not complex as in the multiple layers we each have, but complexity in the mechanism of each detail.

At several points in my life, I can see that finding the evidence of what I'm communicating challenged my personal concept of self sexuality... sometimes scared by it all, enough so to restrict that part of my life entirely- I believe I can actually see how I can embrace my emotions as a heterosexual man... or maybe I've always seen that and it's been threatening to those that can't? Who knows.

Regardless- there's something beautiful about not only happiness but pain and the multifaceted choices intrinsic in both and their variations.
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