mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer

timed release

I should have stayed... I didn't even try.

I was spent though. Ready for the fetal. Friday for six hours (afternoon and evening), Saturday for two hours in the afternoon and then five hours in the evening. Altogether around 13 hours of reunion goodness. I seriously had shell shock by the end... tired of conversation, however nice it was to catch up on everybody and their families, I had all I could handle.

So many children. Several of the ladies from my class had four fucking kids each. I can't fathom the responsibility... I mean... how do you feed a six person family while still in your 20's? Have to hand it to them.

Jenn called me out of the blue early Friday evening to make sure I was going out... it was so good to hear from her. She's honestly the reason that I went. We talked quite a bit... and I of course ruined the opportunity to talk even more... the opportunity already set into motion... I hate seeing things like that in retrospect.

She was absolutely, without question, the most beautiful woman there. When we talked and I looked into her eyes, flashbacks to when we were kids... growing up - elementary school... playing soccer... when she moved away in the eighth grade... and the last time I saw her thirteen years ago - she looks the same just a bit older... mature. Laugh... smile... to be remembered.

It was all I could do to keep enough distance so not to be weird. I may have stayed too far away though. It was just so good to see her and with there being so many people, all with tremendously different contexts. Divorces, emotional scars, some grew up... some still may, and nearly all anxious to talk about back in the day and how our lives touched one another... I over experienced.

I never completely feel the connection anymore between myself other human beings. I was left speechless, numb, and anxious over the memories. Even connected.

I miss the sense of community back home. Even as big of an illusion it may be. I'm caught between being able to logically discern the individual motivations of others while seeing that sometimes all too unhealthy environment as appealing. I hate that. I hate the crying when I leave.

I never see where I make a difference. I was reminded this weekend how much I have, on the one on one level.

Many happy memories from this weekend:
Mr. N's speech and mentioning the little league baseball team I was in that he coached... Lynay and k*burley... enjoying conversation with them. Car, beautiful, brilliant, out of the closet lesbian asking me to dance and me making her lead if she wanted me to two step. Being pointed out as one of the freaks in that graduating class by a drunk nobody... seeing the glances at me, the stares at him... and the laughs instead toward his oddly placed remark.

I felt anything but powerful though. Describing my life, I kept it brief because although I feel incredibly fortunate, there is so much that I want to change. However, I couldn't help but be aware of the opposites in conversation, how many stayed there after school, how many disliked talking about it. I didn't want to come off as bragging either. It was a difficult balance and I feel comfortable with that effort.

I am though, so incredibly, embarrassingly, awkward with my feelings and appropriate reactions to those feelings anymore. I end up in quiet thought... not so much afraid, just lost in a sea of trying to figure out what is appropriate and how not to come off as an ass... particularly in the attraction department.

Oddly though, I hold no self resentment in that. I honestly see it as one of my endearing qualities... annoying as fuck, impeding toward progress... but, I don't know... it's not for me to justify.

So I'm left with many thoughts... particularly of Jenn and how best to keep contact with her. I would love to see her again in a less distracting environment. It was refreshing to see someone anxious to see me.
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