mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer
beeooll

Is it just me or have there been several of us that have had a challenging past couple of days.

I know one person in particular that at least seemed chipper than normal yesterday- for that I'm happy... actually, I would take challenging days more often if I thought for a second it would make a difference for them...

I'm having to work fucking hard at this shit... I'm bored as hell, I'm in a creative rut (mostly because of nothing really to work on), I won't bitch about finances because not really a point to that... but fucking jusuz fuxx0r christ!!!

I'm frustimapated@#$#@$ haha.

Actually, I'm better now. I spent at least an hour of doing nothing but focusing the brightest fucking light my imagination could point to my pineal gland... so I've got a nice little buzz goin. Mebe that's why I'm able to write...

I'll tell ya though- that shit Sunday and Monday really tossed me off track. Yeah, it's a lame as fucking thing to have break your stride... but it did.

My oldest cousin- the only member of the family outside of my parents/bro that I have contact with emailed me to see how I was... shot one back... and he was concerned that I no longer take my medication. I'm like... WTF?!?! Over the past week I've been thinking how happy with myself that I am that it's been 2 years since I have taken it... coming on 2 yrs here in TX... I mean... shitfuck.
He sorta made a big deal about it... a lot because he was diagnosed with the same thing.

I don't have the heart to full on explain why I haven't taken/ quit taking it... because with him, it would hit too close to home and it would possibly send him into a spiral.

He and I share the same grandmother... his father and my mother are from two different marriages... we both grew up in the same environment however. So, knowing the environment and knowing the level of stability that was taught within that environment... you don't have to fucking tell me whether it would be genetic or whether it would THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT!!!

To me, in particular at least the medication that I was taking... when being objective about it all... it did nothing more than provide goofy side effects for me to focus on so that I ignored the fact that I was moody as hell. Over time though I discovered, BuUbbaa even mentioned- that I really didn't need the meds.

I came to the understanding that it wasn't a biochemical imbalance- it was an imbalance in the circumstances that I choose to put myself into. Since realizing this... making the changes... not being on the medication... well.. the rest is history.

So what is it that I can't tell him? My cousin that is... That I truly don't feel that I need medication to stabilize my mood... even if that medication actually ever really *did* stabilize my mood... which it didn't... I don't need it...

For me, that period of time was so entirely full of psychodrama and the pains of growing up that those items were indeed the problem. The fact that I didn't demand a level of stability in the situations that I allowed myself in... the fact that I chose to live life as a reactionary organism as opposed to taking proactive responsibility for the circumstances that I was in... making choices, etc. etc. blah blah blah.

So whats the problem?
It just caught me off guard more than anything. I mean... the past few weeks especially... life sincerely has me by the nuts at the moment... but overall, I'm whistling... I'm surviving... and I'm doing well at it. I've cleaned my shit up... I'm doing my best to go back through and learn from my previous experiences... I'm doin OK, and I can't remember a time that my overall self esteem was any better. Sure, I need work but who the hell doesn't?

... and then someone that I hardly ever interact with suggests I should be medicated? If I were to goto someone that I hardly ever interact with and suggest they should stop their medication... I would probably be considered even more wrong... the funniest thing, even in the event that I was correct.

I dunno... to each their own... takes all kinds... different strokes, etc. But for me, the meds were little more overall than something to hold me over until I was able to really confront the situation. I did. Then as life would have it, I'm on to a different set of problems... this time though, I have a little extra experience to help out and the comfort of knowing this time, the circumstance and the outcome is directly related to what I choose to do with the possibilities- right, wrong, weak, strong, or indifferent.

whew.
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