mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer

death over heat and serve sausage

Standing in the kitchen eating breakfast (a banana and four sausage links), I couldn't shake a sudden urge to mentally romanticize death... since I'm being pulled in every possible direction and resolution doesn't seem quite possible.

A lot is going on that I'm looking forward to but for everything that I am reaching for, each has tremendous costs... some of which that I'm not sure that I can afford - emotionally or financially. Although I'm stressed beyond imagine, I'm going to keep pushing because I know how persistent I can be... and I have nothing else but drilling to keep my mind occupied.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but I have to get it out. Every time I make progress, I assess my self response to, "If I could die right now, if the lights would go out and I would pass, would I take that over instantaneously having everything in my wildest dreams?"

My preference since childhood has been an end to it all.

I think I'm exhausted.
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