mortality cartographer (beeooll) wrote,
mortality cartographer

Ramble On

( Submissive Introverted Abstract Feeler )
You are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex. Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do - most mistake your shyness for lack of interest in others (sometimes they're right!).

If you're at all inclined, share your imaginative dreamscapes with the world at large. Talk to yourself less and other people more.

Other DREAMERS from the entertainment world include:
Babe the pig in Babe
Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
John Lennon as himself in Yellow Submarine
The above results from a personality test are what started the writing... that combined with friends' suggestions to "share with the world."

The results of writing what is going through my mind includes many things:
Gaining peace in the most uncertain, wholly alone time in my life.
More productive thinking- ponder and release of thoughts to move toward other aspects of the larger picture.
Controlled venting... a method of simply letting some of the less important shit go.
Communication- allowing the people involved with me to have evidence that there is a little more to me than what is apparent and visible... giving them the option to come into my world at their leisure and have a clue as to what may or may not be there. (admittedly only three people that I know of have ever read my shit... but it's good to know that you three have.)

The results are positive... even the negative side effects are positive as they are progress.

Interestingly, of the most positive for me is probably the most negative for me. The more productive thinking...

It is no coincidence that oppressors, government or religious, tend to eliminate or at least frown upon questioning or the products of such activity- music, literature, etc. The likelihood of someone figuring out what a bunch of shit an institution is built upon is profoundly increased when pple are allowed to freely think. Even when the institution is built upon free thinking, the results often move toward oppressive behaviors... crowd psychology... movement of the masses... and to change it, all it takes is one? Amazing.

The very animalistic side of me would give anything to think that I am that one for this segment of history. That's what I grew up thinking... that in many ways was what I was taught to believe... maybe not intentionally- maybe I read into it all wrong. Regardless... that has been indeed been a part of me since all of when I can remember. That I will in some way have a positive impact upon peoples' lives. Not a bad sized weight to have on your shoulders as you do the normal shit like growing up. No, I'm not bitching... I'm actually questioning.

The bigger picture part of me thinks... If I *am* here to make a positive impact on peoples lives please don't worship me, simply take what I have to say, think about it... and if you ever reach a similar space in your life, come back to it... remember me... but never ever worship me, anything, or anyone else or subscribe to an organization that does... instead, take the time you would normally budget for that and use it toward hugging, showing appreciation, and sharing yourself with the people that matter to you in your life.

There is a very large debate regarding Jesus Christ, the virgin birth, his life, his coming to awareness, and the overall symbolism behind his incarnation brewing in my head. It is based upon the extreme curiosity I have of how anyone could fully comprehend the pains, troubles, and methods to rise above and reach ecstasy without first experiencing, causing, and bathing in the mud of pain. To me, it only makes sense that the best creature prepared for slaying a dragon could only be another dragon.

So is it me? Am *I* the one? I seriously doubt it- I can't turn water into wine... hell, I can't even find a job at the moment. I can barely keep myself above the day to day bullshit so how the hell would I be the one that makes a difference? When you get down to it, leading toward another debate... The world has passed that point... pple can only truly understand what they experience- the above dragon/dragon/Jesus concept.

I dunno...
So I ask too many questions. At least I don't spend my free time downing entire bottles of wine alone while matching my spouse bong rip for bong rip while trying to convince myself and the entire room that the next door neighbor would trade lives with my spouse because of the size of the television, behavior of the dog, or my stable behavior... that is of course when I'm not planning on when I can "give my couch to the poor."

Yeah, so I'm an asshole- I know I'm not perfect... I know I need a hell of a lot of work... I know I could be much better... but I know I've been much less functional too. At least when I was stupid enough to down an entire bottle of Jagar alone, I spent the better part of the time curled up in a fetal position in front of a mirror repeating over and over "let me die." Yeah, fun times.

The point of this trip down memory lane? I dunno... I guess the thought bubble of "If you need to get rid of a dragon, I'm your man."

The negative part of doing all this writing as I mentioned above before I got sidetracked but not nearly as far as I could have? The more productive thinking... Yeah!

The more productive thinking liens toward the negative side because of greater area covered in a shorter period of time. At many points in my life I have questioned "what is all of this for?" Even back to kindergarten- "Mom, why do I have to goto school?"

It doesn't take a Ph.D. to figure that one out... "What is all of this for?" I am afraid that evidence at the moment points to "Absofuckinglutely nothing." (subject to change without notice ®)

The bottom line...
Question often.
Think for yourself.
Believe in nothing.
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