Mid day about the closest thing I've had to an axiety attack in around 3yrs. I haven't really ever had a severe one- I've always been able to maintain... but today was fairly hairy.
I felt like someone was standing on my chest, that underneath my skin I had dull needles trying to poke through over my entire body... I totally felt like I was loosing it.
Thankfully though- I have this tendency to treat my experiences as more of a spectator than a participant. It sucks during the times that things are rawkin and I'm not able to gain the full amount of pleasure from them... however, on days like today? It is truly a gift.
I totally recognized how I was breaking down. The moment everything clicked in my head I immediately began light work and focusing. Within minutes I was in check but since I have been only meditating once per day immediately before bed- resulting in very quick but incredible results not lasting long enough though as I'm not able to hold my attention, the time change, screwed awake hours, misc stress, by the time I lay down for bed- I'm tired... even though I'm not accomplishing shit... I made it a point to draw this one out as long as I could. Altogether around 2.5 hrs.
The long meditations are beyond words. I'm truly fascinated with the dream state that has been coming... I don't know really what I experience during all of that and I have no clue how to put it into text... but it's very similar to the dream state before fully waking... but with complete control and better vision. I dunno... more later on that.
Later on I had to run some errands... after long meditations I usually experience some form of changed perception for at least a few hours... Today it manifested itself in more intensified visual light flashes... they are annoying as hell but I have become used to them... just not to this degree. Although the typical simple garden variety "things in the corner of your eye" or "patches of light in the field of vision" it was especially bad when I went out and about.
Earlier in the day I did a bit of work in flash... I have an animation idea to incorporate this recurring theme in my sketch work- the bending and breaking skyline (with multiple underlying symbolisms® of course- into a type of panoramic view. I've seen things similar but I've never seen anyone else do buildings at all like this. It's very.. shall I say, Dali-esque? :-) Regardless... it's coming out interesting. I'm not only breaking out of my mold design wise, I'm blowing the fucking hinges off the doors.
I decided today that a #4 supersized with a coke makes being human worthwhile. :-)
Nicholas gave a whatsup.
too much halflife